Dementia affects millions of people globally, not just through memory loss, but also in how they interpret conversations, emotions, and everyday experiences. The way we speak to someone with dementia can either provide comfort and connection or cause confusion and distress.
Knowing the things not to say to someone with dementia isn’t just about being polite—it’s about preserving dignity, reducing anxiety, and offering real emotional support. This article will explore the specific phrases and questions that should be avoided, explain why they’re harmful, and offer better alternatives grounded in empathy.
In This Article
Why Words Matter in Dementia Care
Language holds tremendous power. For someone with dementia, words can either be a bridge to understanding or a trigger for fear and frustration. Dementia gradually affects memory, cognitive ability, reasoning, and even personality. Conversations that seem harmless to most people may carry unintended consequences for those living with this condition.
Key Facts:
| Statistic | Insight |
| Over 55 million | People worldwide are living with dementia (WHO, 2024) |
| 70% | Report increased agitation from stressful conversations |
| 80% | Of communication is non-verbal, yet spoken words still play a vital role |
When we know the things not to say to someone with dementia, we reduce the chance of escalating confusion or emotional shutdown. More importantly, we begin to build an environment based on trust and comfort.
“Do You Remember…?” – The Frustrating Question
Why It’s Harmful
Asking someone with dementia, “Do you remember…?” might seem innocent or even helpful. However, for a person whose memory is fading, this question can feel like a test they’re destined to fail. It can trigger embarrassment, frustration, or even withdrawal.
Real-World Example
Clara, 78, was diagnosed with early-stage Alzheimer’s. Her niece would often ask, “Do you remember our beach trip last year?” Each time, Clara would grow quiet and change the subject, clearly distressed by her inability to recall the moment.
Why It’s One of the Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- It highlights cognitive decline.
- It places emotional pressure on the individual.
- It can unintentionally humiliate them, especially in front of others.
What to Say Instead:
- “I loved our beach trip last year. The weather was perfect, and you made us all laugh.”
- “I was thinking about that time we went to the lake. It made me smile—did you enjoy it?”
Framing statements in a gentle, reminiscing tone allows the person to connect if they can, but doesn’t force them to remember or feel exposed if they can’t.
“You Just Told Me That” – Shaming Repetition
The Emotional Toll
Repetition is common in dementia. Asking the same question over and over isn’t done out of neglect or annoyance—it’s a result of short-term memory disruption. Responding with “You just told me that” can feel like a reprimand and lead to guilt or self-doubt.
Why This Phrase Is One of the Key Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- It can sound sarcastic, even if you’re just tired.
- It doesn’t help the person understand or remember.
- It introduces shame into the conversation.
Quote from a Dementia Care Specialist:
“Repetition in dementia is not intentional. It’s a cry for orientation. Correcting it only increases their distress.” – Dr. Pauline Lee, Geriatric Psychologist
A Better Approach:
Respond each time as though it’s the first. It takes patience, but it ensures the person feels heard and safe. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step away for a moment or ask for help from another caregiver.
Use These Instead:
- “That’s interesting—tell me more about it.”
- “I’m glad you brought that up. It’s always good to hear your thoughts.”
Maintaining a calm tone and kind words transforms repetition from a challenge into an opportunity for connection.
“That’s Not Right” or “You’re Wrong” – The Harm in Arguing Facts
The Danger of Correcting Someone With Dementia
When a person with dementia says something that isn’t factually correct, our instinct might be to correct them. But saying, “That’s not right” or “You’re wrong” can be deeply upsetting.
They may truly believe what they’re saying, and challenging them can lead to arguments, confusion, or even emotional outbursts. This makes it one of the most damaging things not to say to someone with dementia.
Why It’s Harmful:
- Creates confrontation instead of reassurance
- Can cause fear, anger, or paranoia
- Diminishes trust in the relationship
Case Study:
George, 83, believed his late wife was still alive. His son would repeatedly say, “Dad, Mom passed away 5 years ago.” Each time, George would go through the grief all over again. Eventually, his caregiver learned to redirect the conversation instead of confronting it.
What You Can Say Instead:
- “Tell me more about her—she sounds like she meant a lot to you.”
- “She must have been a wonderful partner.”
When facts become less important than comfort, validation matters more than accuracy.
“You Don’t Look Like You Have Dementia” – Minimizing Their Reality
The Subtle Harm in Dismissal
Dementia isn’t always visible. Saying, “You don’t look like you have dementia” may be intended as a compliment, but it can invalidate the person’s lived experience.
Why This Is One of the Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- Suggests disbelief or denial of their condition
- Undermines their effort to share honestly
- May make them feel the need to “prove” their condition
More Respectful Responses:
- “I really admire how you’re managing things.”
- “I’m here to support you however I can.”
It’s more important to affirm the person’s courage than to comment on how they appear.
“I Just Explained This to You” – Feeding Frustration
Repetition Exhausts Everyone—But Patience Is Key
Saying “I just explained this” can sound exasperated or dismissive. The person with dementia isn’t forgetting on purpose—they physically cannot retain new information.
Why This Phrase Should Be Avoided:
- Increases anxiety and self-doubt
- Makes the individual feel like a burden
- Frustrates both parties, closing off communication
Better Ways to Respond:
- “Let me explain it again. No problem at all.”
- “It’s a lot to take in—I’m happy to go over it with you.”
Kind repetition builds emotional safety, even if it takes time.
“Who Are You Again?” – The Pain of Not Being Recognized
Identity and Recognition
It can be difficult when someone with dementia no longer recognizes close family members. However, flipping the confusion around by asking, “Who are you again?” is both hurtful and disorienting.
Why It’s One of the Most Devastating Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- Deepens their confusion
- Can feel like a betrayal
- Strips away personal identity and history
Instead, Try This:
- “Hi, I’m your grandson, Tom. It’s so good to see you.”
- “We’ve shared some lovely moments together—I’m [your name].”
Introduce yourself warmly and with context. This preserves their dignity and gently grounds them.
“You’re Being Difficult” – Labeling Behavior Instead of Understanding It
Behavior Is Communication
Dementia often leads to behavioral changes—agitation, paranoia, aggression—that are symptoms of the disease, not the person’s fault. Saying “You’re being difficult” is a label that causes shame and frustration.
Why It’s Among the Most Harmful Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- Interprets symptoms as personality flaws
- Increases resistance and anxiety
- Discourages emotional openness
Helpful Reframes:
- “I see you’re upset—how can I help?”
- “Let’s figure this out together.”
Empathy transforms resistance into cooperation.
“We Talked About This Already” – Highlighting Forgetfulness
No Memory of the Memory
Saying, “We talked about this already,” emphasizes memory loss. It’s a reminder of something they cannot control—and it may only add to their confusion.
Why This Phrase Is One of the Core Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- Reinforces feelings of inadequacy
- Makes them feel unintelligent or slow
- Fosters guilt and emotional shutdown
Try These Instead:
- “Yes, we did—but let’s go over it again.”
- “I’m happy to explain—it’s no trouble.”
Your patience becomes their peace.
“Calm Down” – Dismissing Their Emotions
Don’t Dismiss, Acknowledge
Telling someone to “calm down” often has the opposite effect. It invalidates real fear or frustration and may escalate the situation.
Why It’s One of the Key Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- Sounds controlling or dismissive
- Misses the emotional root of their behavior
- Prevents healthy emotional expression
More Supportive Responses:
- “I understand this is upsetting—let’s take a breath together.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here with you.”
Validation is the first step to resolution.
“You’re Fine” or “There’s Nothing Wrong With You” – Denying Their Experience
Denial Is Not Reassurance
While saying “You’re fine” may seem reassuring, it dismisses the person’s reality. For someone living with daily disorientation, this can feel like being gaslit.
Why It’s One of the Least Helpful Things Not to Say to Someone With Dementia:
- Implies they are imagining symptoms
- Discourages honest communication
- May lead to isolation or withdrawal
Alternative Phrases:
- “I know things feel hard right now, and that’s okay.”
- “Let’s focus on what we can do today.”
Support begins with acknowledgment.
Shifting From Correction to Connection
The Takeaway
When it comes to things not to say to someone with dementia, every word counts. Language can either uplift or unravel. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection.
Final Tips:
| What to Avoid | What to Try Instead |
| “Do you remember…?” | “I remember when we…” |
| “You just told me that.” | “Thanks for sharing that.” |
| “That’s not right.” | “Tell me more about that.” |
| “You’re being difficult.” | “I see this is frustrating—how can I help?” |
Remember:
“People may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
By removing these harmful phrases and replacing them with compassion, we preserve the dignity, trust, and humanity of those living with dementia—one word at a time.
With a passion for clear communication and a history as a private tutor, Virna founded learnconversations.com to make expert advice accessible to all. She excels at transforming complex conversational theories into simple, actionable articles, establishing her as a go-to resource for anyone looking to connect and communicate more effectively.