150 Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation – Hilarious, Witty & Timeless Phrases

Language has always had a funny bone. Whether passed down from grandparents, heard on porches in the South, or picked up from classic TV, funny old sayings to use in conversation bring charm, color, and character to the way we speak.

They’re more than just quirky phrases—they pack wisdom, sarcasm, and wit into a few well-crafted words. These expressions are like cultural time capsules, giving us a glimpse into how people used to talk about love, money, work, and just plain nonsense.

In this article, we’ll explore 150 funny old sayings, what they mean, and how to use them in everyday conversations to add a dose of humor and personality.

Classic Funny Old Sayings Everyone Has Heard

Some sayings have stood the test of time simply because they’re so darn good. These expressions are still tossed around today, especially when someone wants to lighten the mood or say something clever without being too direct.

Here are some classic funny old sayings to use in conversation, with their meanings:

• “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
  Meaning: Don’t mess with something that’s already working well.
  
• “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.”
  Meaning: A humorous way to say “good riddance” or goodbye with attitude.
  
• “Colder than a witch’s tit.”
  Meaning: Extremely cold weather.
  
• “He’s all hat and no cattle.”
  Meaning: Someone who talks big but doesn’t follow through; full of show, no substance.
  
• “That dog won’t hunt.”
  Meaning: That idea or excuse isn’t going to work.
  
• “Slicker than snot on a doorknob.”
  Meaning: Extremely slippery or sneaky.
  
• “Nuttier than a squirrel’s turd.”
  Meaning: Someone who acts strange or unpredictable.
  
• “She’s got more issues than Vogue.”
  Meaning: She’s dealing with a lot of problems.
  
• “I’m so hungry I could eat the north end of a southbound mule.”
  Meaning: Very hungry.
  
• “Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.”
  Meaning: Broke but still clinging to pride.
  

“Sayings like these have flavor—using one in the right moment makes people laugh, nod, or think twice.”
— Grandma Jean, Mississippi-born, lover of sass

Funny Old Sayings About People and Personalities

When it comes to describing people, funny old sayings are rich with creativity. Whether you’re describing someone clever, foolish, or full of themselves, there’s a phrase for that.

These sayings help you make your point with humor, not hostility.

Here are funny old sayings to use in conversation about personality types:

• “He’s one sandwich short of a picnic.”
  Meaning: He’s a little bit off mentally—not quite all there.
  
• “She’s about as sharp as a bowling ball.”
  Meaning: Not very bright.
  
• “He’s so crooked, he could hide behind a corkscrew.”
  Meaning: A dishonest or sly person.
  
• “She could start an argument in an empty house.”
  Meaning: She’s confrontational or always looking for drama.
  
• “He’s got a face for radio.”
  Meaning: Not the most attractive—better off not seen.
  
• “She’s two peas short of a casserole.”
  Meaning: Slightly strange or not very clever.
  
• “He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.”
  Meaning: Full of himself or overly confident.
  
• “He’s as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
  Meaning: Completely useless.
  
• “She’s got the personality of a wet mop.”
  Meaning: Very dull or boring.
  
• “He’s tougher than a two-dollar steak.”
  Meaning: Physically or emotionally tough.
  

Saying	Meaning
“All foam, no beer.”	All talk, no action.
“She’s the kind of girl who’d drown in a rainstorm.”	Not very bright or practical.
“He was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.”	Arrogant without understanding his privilege.

Using phrases like these in conversation adds a layer of comic relief and character, especially when roasting someone in a light-hearted way.

Country Wisdom: Rural and Southern Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation

The South and countryside have given us some of the most colorful and hilarious expressions. These funny old sayings to use in conversation carry the rhythm and wit of rural life—often exaggerated, always entertaining.

Here are some favorites:

• “Busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.”
  Meaning: Extremely busy or overwhelmed.
  
• “Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
  Meaning: Very anxious or jumpy.
  
• “Uglier than homemade sin.”
  Meaning: Not attractive at all.
  
• “Tighter than bark on a tree.”
  Meaning: Very cheap or frugal.
  
• “Madder than a wet hen.”
  Meaning: Really angry.
  
• “Sweating like a sinner in church.”
  Meaning: Uncomfortably hot or nervous.
  
• “She’s more nervous than a cat in a dog show.”
  Meaning: Extremely uneasy.
  
• “Finer than frog hair split four ways.”
  Meaning: Doing really well or looking sharp.
  
• “Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.”
  Meaning: Dishonest.
  
• “He don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.”
  Meaning: Totally confused.
  

These sayings reflect a lifestyle rooted in simplicity, humor, and common sense. When dropped into casual conversation, they’ll catch people off guard in the best way.

“In the South, if we like you, we tease you. If we don’t like you, we still tease you—but you’ll know the difference.”
— Unknown Southern Auntie

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Weather

Weather has always been a hot—or freezing—topic of conversation. Back in the day, folks didn’t just say “it’s cold” or “it’s raining”—they came up with some truly creative ways to express it. These funny old sayings to use in conversation turn small talk into something memorable.

Here are some gems about the weather, with their meanings:

• “Hotter than a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
  Meaning: Extremely hot weather.
  
• “Raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock.”
  Meaning: It’s pouring rain.
  
• “Colder than a well digger’s behind in Alaska.”
  Meaning: Very, very cold.
  
• “So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.”
  Meaning: Extremely dry conditions or a drought.
  
• “It’s blowing like stink out there.”
  Meaning: The wind is howling.
  
• “Feels like the devil’s front porch.”
  Meaning: Intense, stifling heat.
  
• “Fixin’ to rain like the sky’s got a grudge.”
  Meaning: It’s about to storm badly.
  
• “Colder than a banker’s heart.”
  Meaning: Bitter cold and perhaps emotionally cold too.
  
• “Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.”
  Meaning: Scorching weather.
  
• “More snow than a politician’s promises.”
  Meaning: Way too much snow—and a side of sarcasm.
  

Weather Saying	Meaning
“Windier than a bag of blowhards.”	Very windy or full of hot air.
“Snowin’ like the dickens.”	Snowing heavily.
“Clouds thicker than grandma’s gravy.”	Overcast skies.

Using these weather-related sayings in conversation turns a dull weather update into a laugh-worthy moment.

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Love and Relationships

Love may be universal, but how people talk about it can be hilariously unique—especially in old sayings. Whether poking fun at clingy couples, long marriages, or heartbreaks, these expressions hit home with humor and a bit of truth.

Here are some funny old sayings about love and relationships you can drop in conversation:

• “She’s stuck to him like white on rice.”
  Meaning: They’re inseparable—possibly too much so.
  
• “He chased her so long, he caught her tired.”
  Meaning: He wore her down into dating or marrying him.
  
• “They’re tighter than two coats of paint.”
  Meaning: Very close couple.
  
• “He’s got a face only a mother could love.”
  Meaning: Not traditionally handsome.
  
• “She’s looking for a man with a good heart—and a big wallet.”
  Meaning: Jokingly suggesting materialism.
  
• “They argue like cats in a pillowcase.”
  Meaning: Constant, chaotic fighting.
  
• “He’s been married so long, he can’t remember what silence sounds like.”
  Meaning: Long-married and likely henpecked.
  
• “She’s not looking for Mr. Right—just Mr. Right Now.”
  Meaning: She’s into casual dating.
  
• “They’re like two peas in a dysfunctional pod.”
  Meaning: A quirky or odd couple.
  
• “He’s so whipped, he asks permission to sneeze.”
  Meaning: Comically submissive in the relationship.
  

“Love makes people do strange things—like talk in metaphors about barnyard animals and biscuits.”
— Anonymous wise uncle

These sayings are perfect for teasing friends, describing couples, or joking about your own love life with a grin.

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Money and Work

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and apparently, neither do serious attitudes toward it. Old-timers had plenty of ways to talk about being broke, frugal, overworked, or just plain tired of the grind.

Here are funny old sayings about money and work that add wit to your wallet woes:

• “I’m so broke I can’t pay attention.”
  Meaning: Flat-out broke.
  
• “He’s tighter than bark on a tree.”
  Meaning: Extremely stingy.
  
• “She could squeeze a penny ‘til Lincoln cries.”
  Meaning: Very frugal.
  
• “Working like a cat trying to cover crap on a marble floor.”
  Meaning: Working hard but getting nowhere.
  
• “He’s busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony.”
  Meaning: Extremely busy and overwhelmed.
  
• “That job pays less than a sack of wet mice.”
  Meaning: Very low-paying job.
  
• “She works harder than a one-toothed beaver.”
  Meaning: Putting in serious effort despite limitations.
  
• “He’s got champagne taste on a beer budget.”
  Meaning: Expensive desires but no money.
  
• “She makes money so tight it screams.”
  Meaning: Extremely budget-conscious.
  
• “I’ve got more month than money.”
  Meaning: Ran out of money before payday.
  

Money & Work Saying	Meaning
“He works harder than a preacher on payday.”	Works very hard—possibly overcompensating.
“Broke as a joke and it ain’t funny.”	Completely out of money.
“If work was a blessing, the rich would’ve kept it all for themselves.”	Humor about avoiding hard labor.

These sayings are perfect for bantering at work, talking about tough financial times, or just joking about everyday hustle culture.

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Food and Appetite

Food is life—but in old sayings, it’s also comedy gold. From comparisons to cooking disasters to strange cravings, these funny old sayings to use in conversation offer a flavorful mix of humor and hunger.

These expressions are perfect when you’re talking about being hungry, full, or just plain picky.

• “That’s about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
  Meaning: Totally useless—usually said about someone’s cooking or effort.
  
• “You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken poop.”
  Meaning: You can’t create something great from terrible ingredients.
  
• “Butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
  Meaning: An expression of surprise or delight.
  
• “Full as a tick on a hound dog.”
  Meaning: Absolutely stuffed from eating too much.
  
• “Hungrier than a barefoot kid at a pie-eating contest.”
  Meaning: Extremely hungry.
  
• “That gravy’s so good, it could make your tongue slap your brain.”
  Meaning: Delicious food.
  
• “Tastes like something the dog wouldn’t even bury.”
  Meaning: Terrible taste or quality.
  
• “He eats like he’s got a hollow leg.”
  Meaning: Someone who eats a huge amount of food.
  
• “That meat’s so tough, it could kick back.”
  Meaning: Very chewy or overcooked.
  
• “She couldn’t cook a lick, but she can sure dial takeout.”
  Meaning: Joking about someone who avoids cooking.
  

Food-Related Saying	Meaning
“Colder than leftover cornbread.”	Not just cold, but stale or unappetizing.
“He burns water.”	Extremely bad at cooking.
“It smells like something died in that crockpot.”	Very unpleasant cooking aroma.

These sayings make food-related small talk much more entertaining—and might even lighten the mood when a meal goes south.

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Bad Luck and Tough Times

Life isn’t always peachy, but old sayings have a way of turning struggle into a punchline. These funny old sayings to use in conversation take hardship, accidents, and poor luck and wrap them in humor.

They’re great for describing situations where things just keep going wrong.

• “If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.”
  Meaning: Everything seems to go wrong.
  
• “He could trip over a cordless phone.”
  Meaning: Extremely clumsy or unlucky.
  
• “If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.”
  Meaning: Not the brightest person in the room.
  
• “Born under a bad sign, raised by worse decisions.”
  Meaning: A life full of poor luck or poor choices.
  
• “She’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
  Meaning: Constantly facing misfortune.
  
• “He has the Midas touch—in reverse.”
  Meaning: Everything he touches goes wrong.
  
• “If she fell in a barrel of boobs, she’d come out sucking her thumb.”
  Meaning: Can’t win, no matter how good the situation looks.
  
• “Bad luck follows him like a lost puppy.”
  Meaning: Trouble always finds him.
  
• “His life’s like a soup sandwich—messy and pointless.”
  Meaning: Completely disorganized or chaotic.
  
• “She couldn’t catch a break if it was thrown at her.”
  Meaning: Just can’t seem to succeed.
  

“Hard times make for the best stories—especially if you survive and can laugh about it later.”
— Old workshop boss, probably on break

These expressions are especially good for storytelling, venting, or playfully poking fun at someone’s series of unfortunate events.

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Laziness and Slowness

Sometimes, people just don’t want to do anything—and luckily, there are plenty of funny old sayings to use in conversation that capture this spirit. Whether you’re describing someone who moves like molasses or someone who avoids work like the plague, these sayings nail it.

Here’s how the old-timers called out laziness—with flair:

• “Slower than molasses in January.”
  Meaning: Moving or reacting extremely slowly.
  
• “Wouldn’t hit a lick at a snake if it was biting him.”
  Meaning: Extremely lazy or useless in a crisis.
  
• “So lazy, he married rich just to avoid work.”
  Meaning: A humorous jab at someone who found a shortcut in life.
  
• “He’s allergic to sweat.”
  Meaning: Hates hard work.
  
• “She’s been taking a break since birth.”
  Meaning: Never puts in effort.
  
• “He’s got the energy of a boiled potato.”
  Meaning: Very low energy.
  
• “If doing nothing was an Olympic sport, he’d be gold medal material.”
  Meaning: Exceptionally lazy.
  
• “She couldn’t pour coffee if it came with instructions.”
  Meaning: Too slow or clumsy to be helpful.
  
• “Moves like a turtle on tranquilizers.”
  Meaning: Unbelievably slow.
  
• “He lays around like a rug with opinions.”
  Meaning: A passive person who complains without helping.
  

Laziness Saying	Meaning
“He’s all rest and no hustle.”	Never puts in effort.
“Laid back? He’s laid out.”	So lazy he’s almost horizontal.
“He’d rather watch paint peel than work.”	Avoids labor at all costs.

These expressions are perfect for roasting your friend who’s always late, avoiding chores, or dragging their feet.

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Laziness and Slowness (Continued)

Sometimes one list just isn’t enough—funny old sayings to use in conversation about laziness are too good to stop at ten. Here’s a few more bonus sayings to wrap up the previous section with a chuckle:

• “He’d work if work was watching TV.”
  Meaning: Only active when it’s effortless.
  
• “She’s got two speeds: slow and stop.”
  Meaning: Barely moves or gets anything done.
  
• “He rests more than a church pew.”
  Meaning: Constantly sitting or lounging around.
  

“The world belongs to the go-getters. The rest? They’re still thinking about it.”
— Old barn sign, somewhere in Texas

Funny Old Sayings That Insult Without Being Mean

Sarcasm is a form of intelligence, and the old folks mastered it. These funny old sayings to use in conversation roast people lightly—without going too far. Great for playful teasing, especially among close friends or coworkers.

Here are sayings that say “You’re ridiculous”—but with charm:

• “He’s not the brightest crayon in the box.”
  Meaning: Lacking intelligence in a humorous way.
  
• “She brings a lot to the table—if it’s a potluck.”
  Meaning: She may not contribute much, unless there’s food involved.
  
• “He’s the reason we have warning labels.”
  Meaning: So clueless he’s a safety hazard.
  
• “She’s a few clowns short of a circus.”
  Meaning: Eccentric, unpredictable, or odd.
  
• “If he had another brain, it would be lonely.”
  Meaning: Suggesting he’s not very smart.
  
• “She’s walking around like she invented oxygen.”
  Meaning: Acting self-important for no reason.
  
• “He thinks he’s God’s gift to everything.”
  Meaning: Overly confident and possibly arrogant.
  
• “She couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.”
  Meaning: Totally clueless.
  
• “He’s as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.”
  Meaning: Completely unhelpful or ineffective.
  
• “That boy’s about as confused as a fart in a fan factory.”
  Meaning: In a state of total disorientation.
  

Insult Saying	Meaning
“She’s got more nerve than brains.”	Bold but not smart.
“He was born on a slippery slope and still hasn’t found his footing.”	A walking disaster.
“She puts lipstick on a pig and calls it a princess.”	Dresses things up, but they’re still bad ideas.

These quips are snarky, but said with the right tone, they get laughs instead of backlash.

Funny Old Sayings About Intelligence (or Lack Thereof)

Everyone knows someone whose elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor. These funny old sayings to use in conversation are all about poking fun at mental misfires—without needing a college degree in sarcasm.

Here are some of the best expressions that roast IQ with a smile:

• “A few fries short of a Happy Meal.”
  Meaning: Not thinking clearly; a bit slow.
  
• “The lights are on, but nobody’s home.”
  Meaning: Mentally vacant or disconnected.
  
• “Couldn’t find his rear end with both hands and a roadmap.”
  Meaning: Completely clueless or directionless.
  
• “If common sense was lard, he couldn’t grease a pan.”
  Meaning: Lacking basic practical thinking.
  
• “She’s as dense as a stack of bricks.”
  Meaning: Extremely slow to understand things.
  
• “He’s thinking so far outside the box, he’s in another time zone.”
  Meaning: Absurdly or illogically creative—in a bad way.
  
• “She’s got a photographic memory—with no film.”
  Meaning: Forgets everything.
  
• “That boy couldn’t pour rain out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
  Meaning: Hopelessly unprepared or inept.
  
• “He runs on autopilot—with no pilot.”
  Meaning: Goes through the motions without thought.
  
• “She’s proof that beauty and brains don’t always travel together.”
  Meaning: Looks good, but not much going on upstairs.
  

“Smart people talk. Witty people whisper.”
— Midwestern saying passed down over poker night

Intelligence Saying	Meaning
“His brain’s on vacation, and it took his mouth with it.”	He’s saying nothing helpful.
“She’s overqualified… for sleeping.”	Not much going on in the productivity department.
“He’s sharper than a marble.”	Sarcastic way to say he’s dull.

These sayings are especially fun at parties, in office banter, or when describing those “bless their heart” moments.

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation That Are Just Plain Weird

Sometimes, old sayings make zero logical sense—and that’s what makes them so fantastic. These weird, offbeat, and borderline absurd expressions still carry meaning, and they’ll definitely get people’s attention.

Here are some of the strangest funny old sayings to use in conversation, with what they mean:

• “Slicker than snot on a doorknob.”
  Meaning: Very slippery or suspiciously smooth.
  
• “Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
  Meaning: Extremely unattractive in a funny, exaggerated way.
  
• “Happy as a tornado in a trailer park.”
  Meaning: Out-of-control joy—or sarcasm when someone’s angry.
  
• “Busier than a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.”
  Meaning: Chaotically busy.
  
• “She’s got more curves than a sack of snakes.”
  Meaning: Often used to describe someone shapely—or confusing.
  
• “That’ll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.”
  Meaning: A bad idea that’s sure to fail.
  
• “Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.”
  Meaning: Totally wild or eccentric.
  
• “About as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.”
  Meaning: Very unwanted.
  
• “Like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.”
  Meaning: Pointless effort.
  
• “Crazier than a soup sandwich.”
  Meaning: Completely nonsensical.
  

Weird Saying	Meaning
“He’s got bats in his belfry.”	He’s a bit nuts.
“Colder than a penguin’s toenails.”	Very cold.
“Tighter than a lid on a pickle jar.”	Very stubborn or difficult to open up.

“They don’t have to make sense to be funny—they just have to make people grin.”
— Grandpa Roy, Missouri storyteller

Funny Old Sayings to Use in Conversation About Common Sense

Old-timers had a sharp eye for spotting nonsense. These sayings pack street-smart wisdom, sometimes coated in sarcasm. If someone’s ignoring logic or doing something senseless, these sayings are perfect.

Check out these funny old sayings to use in conversation when common sense isn’t so common:

• “Don’t go to the hardware store for bread.”
  Meaning: Don’t expect something from the wrong source.
  
• “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.”
  Meaning: Anyone can get lucky once in a while.
  
• “You can’t fix stupid.”
  Meaning: Some people just won’t learn.
  
• “If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.”
  Meaning: If something works, stick with it.
  
• “You don’t have to outrun the bear, just the guy next to you.”
  Meaning: Sometimes, survival is about being slightly better than others—not perfect.
  
• “When you’re in a hole, stop digging.”
  Meaning: Quit making a bad situation worse.
  
• “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
  Meaning: Don’t assume things will go your way too early.
  
• “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
  Meaning: Sometimes patience wins over speed.
  
• “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him think.”
  Meaning: You can’t force someone to use common sense.
  
• “A closed mouth gathers no foot.”
  Meaning: Keep quiet to avoid saying something foolish.
  

Common Sense Saying	Meaning
“Some people’s elevator doesn’t go to the top floor.”	They lack basic reasoning.
“He’s digging his own grave with a backhoe.”	Making a situation worse for himself.
“Don’t throw a tantrum and then expect applause.”	Bad behavior shouldn’t be rewarded.

These sayings are perfect when offering advice, warning someone, or joking about your own silly mistakes.

How to Use Funny Old Sayings in Everyday Conversation

So you’ve got a treasure chest full of funny old sayings to use in conversation—but how do you actually use them?

Here’s how to slide these expressions into your everyday chatter without sounding like you’re doing a comedy routine from the 1930s.

✅ Use them for storytelling

Old sayings shine brightest when you’re telling a funny story. For example:

“I was late, soaking wet, and madder than a wet hen by the time I got to the office.”

✅ Add them to playful roasting

If your friend is acting lazy, throw in:

“You’ve got two speeds: slow and stop.”

✅ Sprinkle into casual chats

When someone’s stressing over nothing:

“Don’t go to the hardware store for bread.”

✅ Keep the tone light

The key to using these sayings effectively is delivery. Use a playful tone so people know you’re joking or being nostalgic—not insulting.

✅ Avoid overdoing it

One or two per conversation keeps it fresh. Five in a row? You might sound like you walked out of a time machine.

Conclusion: Why We Still Love Funny Old Sayings

Funny old sayings to use in conversation aren’t just about getting laughs—they connect generations, preserve cultural wisdom, and make ordinary talk more colorful.

They remind us that language doesn’t always have to be literal to be meaningful. These quirky, clever expressions have stood the test of time for one reason: they stick.

So next time you’re chatting with friends, telling a story, or just need the perfect way to describe your boss’s bizarre mood swings—reach for one of these sayings. You’ll get a few laughs, maybe a raised eyebrow, and definitely a moment to remember.